History has taught us many important things. During our match with the Balmain Bruisers, we called upon centuries of learning to produce a decent performance and take all 3 points.

It all started with the bloody Egyptians. They built these massive triangular structures out of huge stone blocks. Leaders would whip slaves to pull the blocks and construct the building even when they were completely fatigued. In the same way, Paddy has made us do his own sadistic version of pyramid training, running round and round our training ground so much that through the butterfly effect we probably caused a hurricane in the west of Sydney. Literally dozens of dollars of damage could have been done… But whilst we were cursing and struggling for breath, we were getting fitter and stronger, and that clearly showed in the last 30 minutes of the match, when our opposition had tired themselves out after an hour of kicking us into the air. We had the fitness to outlast their GBH approach, which made all the difference. So don’t complain about the pyramid training, it’s serving a higher purpose.

In 1875 (roughly), Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, which allowed people to communicate more effectively with each other. Rather ironically, the mobile phone now allows people to communicate in a non personal and grammatically incorrect way (c ya l8r rofl etc), but we found our voices on Saturday and used them to good effect, letting our teammates know if they had time or a man on, where they should play it and who was open. It was rather pleasing to see another training ground drill come to fruition in the match. Controversially, one player who communicated his frustration to the referee was Mr M Owen, who received a yellow card for dissent and earned himself a $50 fine. He also cast into doubt whether he would be able to retain his ‘best and fairest’ award – perhaps he was angling for the ‘best and mouthiest’. Tut tut Matty.

Winston Churchill did a fair amount for Britain. He helped galvanise the troops in WW2, and did an ok job as Prime Minister. He was also a master of the quip, derogatory comment and insult. When an old biddy told him that he was drunk, he immediately responded by saying “And you, madam, are extremely ugly. But in the morning I shall be sober”. Brilliant stuff, which was almost matched by Phil when he scored our equaliser. After slamming the ball into the back of the net, he received a sly kick from their keeper. Phil turned round and shouted “F&*% off you ginger c*^£”. This was not really a moment of eloquent, poetic rhetoric, but Churchill wasn’t opposed to flicking the occasional ‘V-sign’ anyway.

In the Crimean War, Florence Nightingale looked after the sick and wounded soldiers, possibly giving them rub downs with happy endings. Well, how else would her reputation flourish so much? Our very own lady with the lamp emerged in the form of Jake, who covered Ryans twangy groin by replacing him at centre back, and playing a rather splendid game. He will probably hate this, but his commitment and marshalling of the injured troops (including a shell shocked Blake, an AWOL Wain and Matt ‘missing his right foot’ Horton) showed that he really could be a more permanent fixture at the back

South American goalkeepers have had a rough time of it in recent history. First there was the self inflicted injury by Roberto Rojas (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roberto_Rojas) which cost them a place at 2 World Cups. Then there was Chilavert, who was forced to play in goal even though he was the best outfield player on his team. And on Saturday, Oscar Hathethetheth Domingo Flamingo Marching Powder Ole Ole Ole Iturra stepped up to the task of filling in after Seb cracked his ribs (Mmmmm, spare ribs with cracked black pepper ©H. Simpson). Fair play to him, he got behind every shot, even if he had accidentally smeared his gloves with a homemade Latino hair grease mixture while preparing his quiff pre match. The point is that he’s a real club player and deserves credit (same for Mos with the reserves).

Final Score Balmian 1 – 3 Bondi FC

Scorers: Phil, Matt O, Jules (pen)